30 Day Break-Up Recovery Journal - Overcoming a love addiction.
Day 1: ADDICTION RECOVERY ( Love Addiction to Kimberly Rogers)
Today, while listening to YouTube I made the realization that I have a love addiction to Kim. (https://youtu.be/yYa7ppvMbos?si=_hxlEnyv3mJUjSou).
The notion of having to move on with my life without her is absolutely breaking my heart. I don't think our relationship can be salvaged though due to her 3 flying monkeys (daughters) that dislike me and have influence over her some how. I am praying that maybe at the end of this 30 days I will be able to clear my head. Anxiety and depression are controlling my mind and body throughout the day. I do hope that we can open some lines of communication between us--just to talk sometimes. I don't think we can be put back together--that is in God's hands.
More to come. Tomorrow is a new day...
Day 2--The Sunday Blues
Oh man! Sundays are the most challenging day of the week for me. It was always a day for my family to come together and eat dinner and talk. The family has since scattered and that is no longer possible. I was struggling to get Kim off of my mind. So badly I wanted to talk to her about church.
We always enjoyed going to church together and then talking about the sermon on the way home, go home and have lunch, and then working in the yard or watching a movie. That doesn't happen anymore and my addicted mind can't handle it. I miss it. My mind was going to thinking what Kim was doing without me being there. Does she even miss me? I doubt it.
I've just got to build new routines.
My daughter and her family all came over to celebrate her 30th birthday. I cooked pizza and we had cupcakes. I gave my daughter a pair of earrings with her birthstone (blue topaz). She said she loved them. that made me feel real good. I always hate to see them leave.
I did strike up a conversation with a lady on Facebook. She was fabulous (deja Vu). We chatted back and forth for 1.5 hours. She was super nice. This did provide an escape for my brain. I felt so much better when I went to bed, and slept better too.
Day 3 - No empathy, at all
Kim totally lacks empathy for anyone. It is definitely a character flaw. How can someone not care about others. I am just the opposite. I feel like one should try and lift the spirits of others who are suffering. I don't know why I would expect that she would show any empathy to me. She is trying to get rid of me--hey Rodney, take the hint and move on (I am, I am, I'm trying).
I did try and contact the lady from Facebook again (Tanya). Crickets! Then I started questioning my self-was I being Catfished. This has happened before and I am highly susceptible to it right now (hurt and lonely). So I ignored it and would revisit it later.
I worked from home today, for 1/2 day. I then had to go an buy brake pads and supplies to change out the brakes on my truck. This should've been an easy task--I have done this a number of times. It started with me not being able to break all of my lug nuts free on one tire. I actually had to go a local shade tree tire shop where they could take their impact wrench and break the lug nuts free. They didn't put them back on tight so once I got back home, I had no problem getting the tire off my truck. Jacked the truck up and prepared to remove the old brake pads. I had to try and remove the break caliper. Got the top screw out of the caliper but the bottom one was stuck and I was rounding off the bolt head.
Once I started to remove the caliper and realized that the tools I have always used were left behind at Kim's house. I will probably never see them again. Well, then I proceeded to struggle with the caliper, all of a sudden I had a panic attack. Feelings of being angry with myself for not being able to do this. Now, I was going to need to take my truck to get if fixed (which I could not afford--$400).
So, against my better judgement I decided I would reach out to Kim and ask to borrow money. This is not something I wanted to. I have to send her an email and then call Greg to ask her to check her email. Well, obviously her and Greg talked about my email and came to the conclusion that it was a ploy for me to talk to Kim, I guess??
He called me back and told me that she wasn't going to help and that I need to reach out to my family. For four years I have been helping them (move, help with Ree, help Kim around the house and yard, you name it, I was always available to help). It doesn't matter to them that someone needs help except for them--NO EMPATHY -- ZERO. It is unbelievable.
I did get my son in law to come help me and my son helped me via face time. I had it mostly done (on one tire) by the time that Pete arrived, but he did help me to finish putting it all back together. I was calming down from having a panic attack then and Pete was a Godsend.
I have felt hurt today, but it's just because I allowed it in. I just need to keep my mind occupied. My contempt for Kim is growing greater everyday. She sits in her crystal palace and isn't the least bit concerned for me. Whatever, that helps me too. Is she ever going to change and try to reach out to me? I don't really care (yes I do). I am not waiting on her to take me back. That is a "no-go". I am not going to continue to play a game that I can't win. I can't help but believe that she is getting off on this power trip all at my expense.
Too Much Damage Has Been Done. Actions Have Consequences. They better hope they don't need my help anytime soon (that's not Godly but dang this isn't right).
I feel like I know how Joseph in the Bible felt when his brothers beat him up and threw him in the wall and washed their hands of him, but just like God lifted Joseph out of the well and he is going to lift me out of my self-imposed well. He rewarded Joseph with an unbelievable life of wealth and fame. I am speaking that into existence for myself. I so badly want to get even, to exact some revenge. Don't know why. The relationship just ended. God reminded me that I am NOT to take any revenge, that he would handle things.
I can feel things changed inside of me. I think I am going come out of this funk soon. I need to get some Oxytocin and Serotonin, being a break up I am no longer getting those love drugs. I believe it would make me feel better.
Day 4--Just Move On Already (New Year's Eve)
I can't I'm afraid. I felt like God led me to hear and she has said the same thing. I can't do anything else to repair what was broken. If God wants it to work out it is between him and her.
I Read This: The fact that they would rather completely disconnect from someone they claimed to love than face the reality of their actions reveals so much about their character and limitations. It's not just that they hurt you, it's the fact that they continue to choose their emotional comfort over acknowledging the profound harm they've caused.
Dammit Rodney, you've gotta man up and get your act together and quit hoping for the impossible. I don't know why I can't, but you can bet I am trying hard.
If she wanted to you know she would. I don't want her to hurt or be sad, but in the same breath I hope she regrets what she did and now I feel that she has painted herself into a corner. I think she only loved the love and attention I was giving to her and didn't actually love me (for who I am). Only loved me in micro-doses. I guess. Hell I don't even know anymore.
These holidays and weird work schedules (too much down time and holiday memories) have wrecked me. I look forward to the new year just so that I can get a normal schedule and start doing new things (art class or anything). I've really never liked Christmas (my mother made me that way), but now I will never like it because Thanksgiving Day, her birthday, and Christmas all bring back bad memories with Kim breaking up with me and then not communicating. Good Lord I need to meet someone (just one) that is emotionally mature and can talk about their feels instead disposing of me when things get tough. Adult's talk things out, but Kim is an avoidant and doesn't EVER talk anything out. This whole issue couldve been easily resolved if only she had attempted. I really think all of this was a show for her children to prove to them that Rodney didn't control her. Makes me so angry. That is now who I thought she was--disgusted is what I am now.
How can harbor so much love for someone that has treated me so shitty. Get your shit together Rodney. I know you think she is worth it, but even if you work things out, what have you gained? You are still going live life alone mostly, only get weekends to be with her. That FUCKING sucks!! Don't do it, be a man and stand on your principles and cave into her.
God please grant me the strength to move forward and not go backwards. Please comfort me so that I can rest and think clearly.
Day 5 What Did You Say
So Kim finally called me last night. I was soooo glad to hear from her. We discussed many things and shared our feelings. I was much more emotional than she was. As we were talking she said something that just floored me. Basically, she said she would rather travel than have a relationship with me!! What? I told her that was the most hurtful thing that I have ever heard and that I now doubt that any of our relationship was even true. How can someone be so cold and callous. She is willing to forego my enduring love in exchange for her freedom to travel. I have NEVER been so demoralized and hurt by a statement. I told her that was the most self-centered immature thing that I have heard. She later said she is just going to think about it--so there is a glimmer of hope there (I don't know why I care),
I realize now where I stand in her pecking order:
Travel
Kids
Cats
Dogs
Ree and Greg
Me
I can't believe I heard her say that to me. Why would I want to be in 6th place in any relationship? WAKE UP Rodney. She has shown you her true colors now. Even though she says she loves you, that isn't love in any form or fashion.
I don't know what is going on in her head, but that confirms the fact that I MUST move on. How can I love someone that devalues my love like that. Why are you that way Kim? Why can't you just be content with the love and attention that I give you. I think she is incapable of being in a sincere, loving relationship.
She still has me blocked everywhere and that is fine. I will continue my 30 day recovery to get over my addiction to her. She is driving to Atlanta today to pick up Kelsey at the airport and then is staying up there a couple of days--I wish she would call me while she is driving-but she isn't going to do that.
I haven't slept--Just can't get that comment out of my head. I am VERY depressed right now--just when I was starting to feel a little better.
Day 6 Nothing lasts forever
I have mulled over Kim's comment from the previous night and ruminated over our relationship all day. I am faced now with the reality that I just didn't mean very much to her. Oh well. She has to live with the fact that she gave up on someone that loved her intensely, praised her, heaped attention on her. I can only wish someone would love me like that. She had me wrapped around her finger. I believe I loved her too much. and it smothered her. She just couldn't accept that someone could love her like that.
I may be wrong, but I really feel like there is nothing else I could have done. The relationship is just over and that's that. Move along Rodney.
Day 7 A Letter to Kim
Kimberly,
This is a letter I never thought I would write to you. I have concluded, based on your actions and words, that you no longer want me in your life. You have done everything you can to show me that, but you lack the guts to come out and tell me. You will run backwards to avoid confrontation instead of facing up to the issue and talking it out, like an adult. This letter should hurt your feelings, but it wont due to your overall impression of you—you will just blow it off and contribute it to the fact that I am nuts (I am not. I loved someone dearly and they didn’t reciprocate. I am only a human with real emotions, and I act accordingly when someone has zero consideration for my feelings).
The Kim that I fell in love with changed the very minute that you came into your large amount of money. You became solely focused on you, you, you, and you. That money isn’t going to last forever, and it will not love you like you love it. It will not snuggle up to you in bed and make you feel comfortable. Keep traveling (hell I like to travel too but not at the cost of losing someone that loves me) and you will soon see that money is gone. Then what will you have? I will tell you what you want have—Me. I will no longer be around for you hurt and manipulate. I will no longer be there telling you how beautiful you are and how much I love you. I must have been a fool, but no I really did love you. You are not the most beautiful woman in the world, but in my eyes you were. You had every attribute that I was looking for in a woman-well the old Kim did. I don’t recognize the new, money-driven Kim.
Quit being a hypocrite and attending church and acting like you care about other people. You don’t and you know it. You have zero empathy for anyone but you and your family. Christians without empathy for others are not Christians at all. That is something you need to work on. There will come a day when need someone to help you or take care of you—I hope you don’t get what you’ve been giving-zero concern. Kimberly, do you even realize how much I loved you or do you even care? There is nothing under the sun that I wouldn’t have done for you. In fact, I think I loved you to much and smothered you—I thought that is what you wanted/needed. I can’t imagine me not wanting someone to love me like that. I can only conclude that you have never been truly loved like that from a man (other than your dad), and you didn’t know how accept it and to reciprocate and/or be content.
I really scratch my head trying to figure out what it is you want. You seemingly have been playing a game with me (dragging me along) while I have been trying to build a life with you. Why even bring me into your life if that was the reason, was I just an easy mark for you. I must have been stupid not to see right through that. Well, my eyes are open now and I can see you for who you are. You loved my loving and adoring you, placing you on a pedestal above all others (I don’t care if I did that—my love and adoration for you was sincere). But you were never capable of showing me the same. I gave you everything I had. I told you the only thing that I can fully give to you and add to our relationship was my love. You took my love for sure, but you were obviously incapable of loving me the same. Playing games with my head and emotions. You took advantage of me. I felt like the hired help whenever I came around.
It pains me to even write these words to you (absolute truth), but I must get this anger and pain out of my heart. I am angry and feel that you have stolen a potentially beautiful relationship from me. I am very resentful of that fact. I know you are going to say, “I did love you”, but your actions speak louder than your words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Stick to something and see it through. My love isn’t for sale, your money doesn’t impress me. We couldn’t even have a conflict without you disposing of me and running to hide. Your lack of communication in those times is appalling. You wouldn’t even fight for me or defend me to you three flying monkeys. Imagine how that feels when the person that makes you the happiest person in the world and that you love dearly, treats you that way. To just utterly toss me aside and can’t be bothered. After all, your life is your life and don’t dare bother Kim. You should never ever be in a relationship until you can change your lack of commitment and communication. Look, I know we were never going to be a married couple, but I was fully committed to being your life partner (even with all the shit and alone time I was going to endure) until death—I just didn’t realize soon enough that it didn’t matter to you.
I am thankful for the experience of being with you, but I can’t keep making myself look like a fool in front of my family and friends for trying to be with someone who is deceiving me and is completely fake. You think if you bat your eyes and smile big that everyone/everything will be okay—well it doesn’t work that way. My family has seen right through you from the very beginning, and I just didn’t listen. Shame on me for letting my heart and soul get trampled by you. I get it, your children don’t like me, but my family can’t stand you for what you have done to me. You have damaged me psychologically and I wont soon be able to get over it.
In closing, I’m not ever fully closing the door on our potential relationship, but at this time I am emotionally spent and tired of hoping you will change and see me for who I am and what I wanted (your time, your attention, and your love). Three things only, but you were reluctant to provide that. I can’t lie, I am always going to love you. Typing this letter breaks me heart (I don’t hate you or dislike you at all) I pray that God will intervene and change your heart. I don’t mean for this to be just a “bash Kim letter”. I am trying to point how you made me feel and what I think was the reason. I pray that you will change for your benefit.
I would love to hear from you from time to time, especially if you are lonely and need a friend. But I am not going to put myself through the “hurt locker” again with you. I am sorry for where I have failed you and I hope you will forgive me, and I hope that it will make you happy when you think of me (despite this letter). Kim I can’t help but love you and long for you, but I hope you understand where I am coming from. The time I have spent with you has been the greatest time in my life, the happiest time in my life, I have learned a lot and enjoyed almost every minute of our relationship. Nothing lasts forever!
May God Bless You,
Rodney
Ps. You know where I live and my schedule. My door is open to you always. I will NEVER lock you out.
Pps: I am afraid this was a case of; “Right person, Wrong time” for both of us.
Day 8
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